“Invariably, people want to change you to fit with what they’re doing. Real search isn’t changing what’s inside of you. It’s allowing what’s inside of you to emerge to find where you fit. Self-help books try to change you. You’re the key. Go find your lock. It’s the search.” — Paul Portesi
*This is an excerpt of my upcoming book.
In modernity, we have been conditioned to believe that we must fit into other people’s schemes and plans. We have been sold the idea that if we play their game for a long enough period of time, we’ll be able to own that game.
This is not true.
We don’t read the fine print.
The one that says we have to change all about us to receive that reward. And once the reward does come, we feel unrecognizable — almost as if we betrayed ourselves.
We haven’t really given ourselves the time to allow what’s inside of us to emerge. More often than not, our internal drives are muted due to social reasons and empty chases.
It’s within the search that we reveal where we fit. In other words, without forcing ourselves to fit other people’s plans, we ultimately take control of who we are and our colors can reveal themselves in accordance to our nature.
So it’s less about fitting in and more about allowing our nature to emerge.
It’s less about the self-help books and more about listening to the self.
Self help books try to change you. They also sell a recipe to mold you into something you are not.
My book is intended to open the door for the self help to come through your own soul.
These special, uniquely subjective emotions that emerge at a moment in life when you’re taking a step back to reflect, to project, and to emerge.
More often than not, taking a step back means moving forward.
Unfortunately, for most, taking a step back is not a choice. Be it because they are afraid of starting from zero, or because they feel they are too deep within the role they are playing.
Still, it is clear on a macro scale that these decisions are not working out for the vast majority of people. When uncomfortable emotions emerge, the vast majority of people shut them down to continue carving a path that probably was not meant to be theirs.
But I ask you, what is a life without having explored these emotions? Is it worth repressing what potentially are the most unique facets of your humanity for the sake of a career? Is it worth it to not uncover these emotions for the sake of keeping up with appearances?
It has been the case that those who dive deep into these uncomfortable emotions emerge even stronger, with a newly found integrated sense of self.
The truth is that life will never be fulfilled with awards, accolades, praises, external success. In fact, these seem to have the opposite effect in pretty much everyone who has accomplished great feats in exchange of their true self — they become lifeless, they become drained, and they become purely artificial.
The truth is that life’s real rewards come when you realize that you are the key that unlocks everything else.
For some crazy reason, we have forgotten this simple yet powerful idea. It is us that can unlock everything else. It is not the diploma, not the awards, not the praise.
It is definitely not climbing up a corporate ladder while suffering each waking moment and it is certainly not by exchanging our humanity for a paycheck.
When we tap into our heart, and hear its true voice, all answers emerge.
But most people are too afraid of actually listening to what the heart has to say.
And, in a way, their fears are legitimate: the heart speaks direct truths. It does not hold back, and we all know it. This is why we have silenced it as much as possible, because the truth, however powerful, still hurts.
But this hurt is exactly the kind of hurt we need: truthful, raw, authentic hurt that leads to real, sincere growth.
Paradoxically, this kind of hurt is the most healing thing we can look for.
Let that idea sink in a bit more.
This kind of hurt is precisely what will heal all of us.
This idea moved me so much I had to take a pause from writing to share it with my grandmother, and she was moved as well.
She told me: “Alex, you should write more about this, and add something I have been thinking about for a while now. You should tell your readers that yourself only belongs to you, and myself only belongs to me. And when we accept this idea, we can enjoy the true personalities of each other and, in a way, unlock our true selves and share them with everyone.”
Thank you, Nona, for this powerful idea. You belong to yourself, and to no one else.
